It looks like Bush is going to win.

Now, to all you Berkeley people who might die a horrible death as you come to realize this, calm down.  Reading all the away messages tonight is really scaring me.  I tell you this as a fellow liberal, as a fellow Kerry voter (yeah, I guess I don't give a fuck about keeping my vote private ).  Yes, I think Americans are stupid.  Yes, I think George W. Bush is a smug idiot.  Yes, 90% of all of his policies piss me off.

But please tell me: first of all, how will this election directly affect your life?  I mean, with respect to YOU, does it really matter whether or not John Kerry or George W. Bush wins the election?  Does this mean I don't think voting matters?  Of course not.  As a patriot with an interest in your COUNTRY, you should definitely vote for whoever you think would do his job best.  However, I don't know about you, but my life hasn't changed all that much since Bush came into office.  Ahnold has affected all of our fees as students, and I suppose that's a pretty direct impact on our lives, but I still think he's doing a good job with the interest of California at heart, and whoever came into office would probably have had to raise tuition to a certain degree anyway.  But back to the presidential election, quite honestly, assuming Bush takes this election, I think over the next four years my life will not change much.

Now onto the more technical matter of policy... one must remember that this was pretty much a vote between two evils.  John Kerry has no real plan, has gone through his career only for political gains.  I will say this: whether or not you agree with him, his past has shown him to be not as strong a leader as Bush.  Bush is a strong leader... that I do not think can be denied.  Wise?  I don't think so.  Strong?  Yes.  And in this time and place, he has a plan.  Is it the best plan?  Probably not.  He got us into one helluva shithole.  But once that shithole has been entered, you better know how to best salvage it.  And if you don't have a plan, if the best you can say is "it's not gonna be a bed of roses," then should we pick you as our leader?  I don't know.  I was willing to take the risk, and that's why I voted for Kerry.  But it wasn't clear-cut in my mind.  I don't know the future, and I don't know where Bush will lead us, but I have even less of an idea where Kerry will lead us.

I was thinking about it, and I really think it is really difficult to win an election against Bush this year.  We are in the middle of a war, and Bush has a plan. Also, NO president has been ousted from office in a wartime situation.  Maybe if Clark won the democratic nomination or something... the problem is, Kerry has not provided a clear better alternative to Bush's current approach to foreign policy now.  If you say he has, please inform me as to what it is.  And would he be able to carry out his plan?  This is a man who has flip-flopped his entire political career, a man without conviction.  He is a true politician.  Would the international community trust such a man, trust him enough to do what needs to be done?  Even if Bush's alternative isn't the best one, it is easy and straightforward.  And perhaps that is best.  Do I think it is?  No.  That's one reason I voted for Kerry.  But maybe I was wrong in my thinking.  Do you think it is possible that you were wrong as well?

I'm not going to go into domestic policy... all I can say is that I think Bush has done a truly horrendous job on this front, and since I do not even know Kerry's standpoints in any significant detail (but I am traditionally Democratic as far as domestic policy goes).  This is probably the main reason I voted for Kerry.  But even so, Bush's tax cuts have not been completely unsuccessful; yes, jobs have been lost, but the economy has been in worse shape in the past, and we are on the upswing.

Well, maybe I'm just trying to justify to myself that Bush will probably be here another four years.  But all I ask of you is to think about it.  Is your conviction so deep in Kerry that you think all Americans are true dumbasses for voting for Bush?  I mean, I think many Americans voted for Bush for stupid reasons, but keep in mind that some very intelligent people voted for Bush as well, because in the end (and I believe many Americans believe this too) they thought that Kerry was not a better alternative, with his lack of a clear plan and history of flip-flopping.  Can you definitively tell them that they are wrong?  How can you make such a bold statement?

As for the future, I hope Bush doesn't fuck us over anymore, I hope the economy turns around, I hope we are able to resolve Iraq in a successful manner, I hope Bush's plan will work in the Middle East, I hope America will be a safe(r) place to live.

And although I do not call myself a Democrat per se, I hope the Democratic party stops being so fucking pathetic, and puts forward some real, principled men who really care about this nation as candidates.  I hope that losing two elections that they REALLY should have won will wake them up, either to put forth real men or to fall to the background and let another party take their place.  The candidates they have put forth have been truly mediocre.  One thing you cannot deny is that Republicans can at least put forth candidates with conviction, whatever that conviction may be.  I think it would benefit the nation a great deal if we could have a competent second party... the nation is crying out against them, as you can see, electing Republicans all over the place.  We're probably looking at a Republican Senate, House, White House, and Supreme Court for at least a couple of years.  Ah well, "politics is the last resort of a scoundrel."

But don't despair.  Life will go on.  And maybe your nation made the right choice; consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, YOU were misguided in choosing Kerry, if that's who you chose.

Last thought: I really wish John McCain was anything but Republican.

What an amazing day.  Truly amazing.  It's been a long while since I've felt this good... one of the best birthdays ever.  And all because of my friends.  Special thanks to Troll, Fluffie, and Blondie (you know I mean it affectionately), and an extra super special thanks to Sho and Mellie.  I love you guys.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am really human.

Now, what the hell do I mean by that?  Of course, from a scientific perspective, I am definitely an example of the species Homo Sapiens, but there's more to being truly human than that.

One of the main things that characterizes humans is our ability to feel,our emotions.  Powerful feelings of love, hate, sadness... and the depth of those feelings.  Of course, animals can feel as well, but to most of us, that's not quite as visible as human emotion.

I often wondered at the reactions of people when someone they knew died.  They plunged into the depths of sadness.  Even if they were not visibly crying or talking about the loss they had just experienced, you could see it in their face, in their eyes.  You could see the mourning.  How powerful their distress was.

However, I felt, for a long time, that I was exempt from this distress for some reason.  Everyone who I had known who had died or been in a traumatic situation, I felt almost nothing.  I even tried to feel, tried to get my eyes moist at least, for them.  But I could not.  I was forcing it.  Fortunately for me, I have not experienced the death of anyone close to me.  But nonetheless, this scared me the most when my mother had cancer, and I hardly felt a thing.  My parents tried so hard to protect me from what was happening to her, and they did much too good of a job.  Even now, I don't think I really have a good idea of the pain and suffering she went through.  I did some awfully inconsiderate things during that time, things I certainly regret now.

But looking back on my life and the experiences of death or trauma I have had, I have often wondered: am I really human?  Do I really have those deep emotions that characterize our race, or am I just too rational, too much of a techie, too shallow, too wrapped up in my own world, to care?  Will I ever be able to love, and I mean truly love, someone?  Will I just pass off my parent's deaths just like all the other deaths that have come my way; just say to myself, "Oh, my mother/father died?"

I read a book after I graduated high school before coming to Berkeley called Brave New World by Alodus Huxley.  It had only been about a month or so since I had made my graduation speech about how our only goal in life is happiness, and essentially nothing else matters.  But reading that book caused me to rethink.  For those of you who haven't read it, it presents a world where mankind is essentially produced for a certain function, and they are completely brainwashed into loving their job and thinking that their class is the best of all the classes.  It is not dissimilar from the Matrix.  But in this world, everyone is very happy and content.  They are essentially drones, but they experience little sadness and pain.  While reading this initial part of the book as Huxley set up the scenario, I asked myself, "is he presenting this to be a negative or a positive world?  It doesn't seem so bad to me."

However, one of these drone girls meets a man from a different part of the world, a part where people are not produced, where people have their own free will.  He falls in love with this girl, and follows her back to her civilization.  What he sees there drives him completely mad.  He cannot deal with the fact that these people do not think, do not really have true feelings, but just go through the motions of life, knowing no better.  He tries to change the girl he loves, but due to the societal constraints and her upbringing, he fails.  By the end, he starts his own war against this civilization, and ends up committing suicide, because he knows he cannot win.

This book had a profound effect on me, as it caused me to think about whether or not what I had said about happiness a month before was really true.  Was there more to life than happiness?  Like that depth of emotion?  It caused me to question my lack of this even moreso than I had before.  I don't want to be a part of Huxley's civilization; I want to be truly human.

Today, I discovered that two of my classmates have passed away, both in the last week.  Nadia Chowdry got hit by a car into another car while walking home last night.  Jennifer Dierdorff overdosed on sleeping pills on February 6th in what may have been suicide.

I sat next to Nadia in my Economics class my senior year, and she was also in my Chemistry class.  I never talked to her much, and I didn't know her too well, but still, I talked to her sometimes... she was a nice girl.  What a tragic way to die... I feel terrible for not only her but for Hari, one of my best friends, who took her death as a pretty big blow.

I knew Jenny fairly well.  We took Latin together for four years, and she was in my English and Biology classes my senior year, among many others I'm sure spread throughout high school.  While we were by no means close, I considered her at one point to be my friend.  When I heard she had probably committed suicide, I was extremely shocked.  While I have a conjecture as to why such a thing would occur, I would never have anticipated it... I feel so sorry for her, that she would be driven to do such a thing.

This terrible news spiraled me into a depth of sadness I have perhaps never known before.  I felt terrible and lethargic today, really really bad.  And as I write this, I am starting to feel that way again.  I did not know Nadia so well, so her death has not affected me tremendously, but Jenny, in my very fortunate life, has been the closest person to me to have died.  Although, to be quite honest, I did not have much respect for her by the time we graduated, I cannot believe that she feels and breathes no more.  I knew this girl, shared my suffering with her through Latin, argued with her in Carlson's class, slept on my desk while she slept a few desks away from me in Bio.  And now she's... just gone.  I have never experienced any feeling like this before.  Feeling like shit.

But through this feeling, I have discovered that I am indeed capable of that emotion.  And for all the sadness I feel, I am grateful.  I am not grateful that they have died, but I am grateful to them in that through their deaths, as they lose all their feelings and pains in this plane, they have added to mine.  The horrible injustice, the extreme tragedy of it, has affected me this time.  This time, I really feel that it's not fucking fair that Nadia had to get hit by who was probably some stupid fucking drunk being irresponsible after some fucking party, and that it's not fair that a Jenny, a girl with great ambition, was driven to the depths of depression to put herself to sleep, permenantly.  Why does this shit have to happen?  I guess it's life, but sometimes, you just feel like saying, "fuck life."

I am all right now, but today gave me a lot to think about.  To those who were close to Jenny and Nadia, I am sorry.  Hari, you will get through this... just try not to think about it too much.

Rest in peace, Jenny and Nadia.  And thank you for making me feel human.

I was talking with Sahand last night, and there were some stuff I (think I) realized... I miss math.  Not Math 54-type math (that was the worst math class I've ever taken), but just working on problems and stuff.  And considering how much it has benefited me, I have decided to return to my love of math and begin preparing for the Putnam test next year.

Do I expect to accomplish anything in the Putnam test?  Of course not.  I'm either A. too behind those who have prepared for years and years and/or B. just straight up not smart enough.  But that is besides the point.  I want to become better in my field and gain intuition and stuff, so I think I will prepare for the test in the coming year.  I just hope I can stick with my resolution... I tend to suck at doing things like that.  But I remember how much fun I had my junior year in doing stuff like this, and I want to return to that.  And yes, I am a nerd, and I freely admit it =D

Still very conflicted about the balance between social life and academics.  With Putnam, I now have 18 units next semester (all for a grade), and on top of that, I hope to have research.  That should be an... interesting workload to say the least.  And considering I want to change a bit about how I run my social life, I do not know if I will have time for it all.  I have to really sit down and think about how I want to do this... for sure though, I have to increase my academic focus.  The thought of going back to math really excites me, but I have to see how long I can keep it.  I do really miss working on interesting problems and stuff... I just wish I was smarter, so I could actually get some of them.  Hopefully that will come with practice, though.

Still managing to fight off boredom at home... I got to drive by myself again today.  Ahhh, I just can't express in words how good it feels to have all the windows down with the stereo blasting, going faster than everybody on the road.  SUCH a wonderful feeling.  I really miss that feeling in college... but it's okay.  I wouldn't get to drive like I like to in Berkeley anyway... it's too crowded.

By the way, does anyone read this anyway?  If you do, sign my guestbook or leave a comment.  Also, how interesting is it to read about the thoughts of a self-admitted nerd?  Haha, let me know!  Hopefully things will get more interesting when I get back to Berkeley.  Later!

Another day of doing... well, pretty much nothing.  But that isn't such a bad thing.  I've had an extremely uneventful past couple of days, other than catching up with some old friends ('ville ppl, I talked to Dave today!  That was very cool), and starting a little bit of work on my research project.  So far it's just setting up for the testing, so it's pretty easy, but I expect it to get rather hard soon.  Which would be a good thing... things that are challenging tend to be more interesting.  I love challenges...

Which is something I'll come to expect in future years.  I don't know about you, but this grade distribution kind of scares me:

http://www-inst.eecs.berkeley.edu/~ee120/grades120.jpg

That's the grade distribution for my EE120 class.  That's what, 12, 13 A's out of a starting class of 120 people?  I mean, 30 people dropped after the first midterm.  And EE 120 isn't supposed to be THAT hard or anything... what lays ahead of me for my future?  It'll be quite interesting, I suppose you could say, if we have the same percentage of A's and B's in a class of say, 25 (like my EE125 class next semester).  That means like, what, 3 to 4 people get A's?  I think when grades are that stingy, an unhealthy competition is fostered in the class and people don't want to help each other out that much... it's a slight worry I have about the future, but I hope it does not come to that, as that will hurt the overall learning environment of the class.  That's always a negative thing.  It also means I have to really work, but I suppose that's okay.  I mean, what did I come to college for in the first place?

So far, I think my vacation has been good, but I'm looking forward to getting back, to getting active.  Boredom is starting to creep in a little bit, but it hasn't hit any even undesirable level yet.  However, back at school I'll get to meet a whole bunch of international students (I'm living in the I-House!), and I'll get to have time (I think, at least) to play some basketball, go to San Fran a whole bunch (I plan to every weekend, but we'll see how that goes), and do some stuff I don't really have time for during the year.  My research project doesn't look like it's going to take up TOO much time right now, but we'll see what I get to do.  Hopefully it will be interesting and I will spend a lot of time on it, but I'll have to see how things go.  Otherwise though, at school I think I'll have plenty to keep myself occupied.  One thing I absolutely love about college is that there are friends everywhere, and so there's always people to hang out with.

Anyway, nothing interesting will probably happen between now and when I get back to college, so maybe I won't write until then, but this is very useful for fighting boredom, so I will see.  If anyone reads this, I'll see you later!